Saturday, 18 April 2015
# 16 Pain
I hadn’t picked up any call since yesterday evening. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like even speaking a single word with anybody. Nor see their faces. I agree this may be a bad habit of mine. but this is what I do when something unexpected hits me. Hits me hard. And this time it hit me harder. When hope crashes, the world does. The world around me had just crashed. Or may be it seemed so. When I replay the events of the previous day I feel like going back to the past pressing the rewind button, arranging things in the way I prefer, secure everything and everybody around me, preserve precious moments and insure my future.
Yesterday when we went out my heart was singing a thousand tunes. Clouds seemed colored with the rainbow. Skies felt like a big blue umbrella sheltering us. Trees swayed their bodies with the wind. And the journey felt like the destination itself. I wished, it to be never ending.
By the time we reached, the sun had traveled a bit ahead. Making the world around more beautiful. The golden rays of the sun and the blue waters amalgamated to paint a memorable picture. Smitha sat down near the fountain. Drops of water falling on her face. Like fresh dew on the petals. I wanted to capture the moments in my heart and I did. Quietly we sat down for sometime. Neither of us spoke a single word. Letting, silence do the conversation. I was preparing my self for speaking up with her finally. Opening the enclosed doors of my mind. Expressing what I hadn’t. I needed to. I had been carrying this for too long with me. Though I was scared, thinking of the aftermath. Perplexed. Bewildered. My heart beats had paced up. Hands gently shivering. I felt exactly like a high school teenager again. And not like a medico pursuing his higher studies. Love, it cripples even a strong heart. And I was a sensitive one here.
“Smitha” I said slowly waiting for her to turn her face towards me.
“Amrit I need to say you something” she said
I was surprised. What she had to say to me now. Please not again. I thought. I have to speak it out today. I was so much in a hurry I literally forgot what courtesy means. So I said “let me complete then you can say as many things as you want. I will give you my life time”
“Amrit please let me tell you first. I need to. I have hidden this within me since a lifetime. I don’t think I can survive without letting you know something you ought to. Something you deserve to. Something that’s your right.” she said in a serious as well as in a grief stricken tone.
Hearing her speak the first few lines I imagined she was speaking about her feelings and was blushing inside, when her tone changed to more serious mode. I looked at her. She looked disturbed. Baffled. Almost in tears. I was totally not prepared for that. Nor had I expected something like this coming up. I made up my mind to hear her patiently first. Bending a bit towards her I looked at her eyes, gave her a comfortable smile asking her to take it easy and said “Hey what’s the matter ? Don’t worry everything’s alright. Don’t you drop that precious pearl hanging to your eyelashes” I thought this would bring a smile on her face. But it didn’t. Even I got worried now.
“Amrit, I don’t know how you would react to this. But there is something between both of us that can never be mended”
“What is that”
“It’s our families”
“Families…but how ?”
“I belong to a family that is responsible for the days you were forced to see. Responsible for you to come home to a huge gathering. Responsible for your mother’s paranoid behavior.Responsible for your sister’s lost childhood.Responsible for snatching away everything from you that you had once loved. I am one of the heirs of the family, that made your father’s morning walk his last one and gifted you with his dead body. I belong to the family of political players who understand nothing but only the language of power”
My world crashed. I was numb. Completely. Now she looked into my eyes. But they were lowered. I felt like loosing myself. Again. At this age. After all these years. Everything ran in front of my eyes. I revisited those lanes again. It seemed as if it would never let me escape. How much I try.Run. Elope. It had been always successful in trapping me all over again.
“I know why you brought me here today. I know what you wanted to say. I knew it from the first day. A girl knows. But what I don’t know is what you will say now. I wouldn’t ask you anything except this one last thing. Should someone be punished for someone else's mistakes ?” she said looking far away, gazing towards the horizon as if her answers were hidden there.
Linking up the post with A-Z Challenge
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